There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
