I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
