sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
