every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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