He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
