tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I currently don't understand fingers.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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