The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
