If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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