Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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