I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize