I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I didn't notice because vodka
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
