can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
