hotel room ftw
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I wish life had little blips of pornography
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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