I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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