I look better un-naked...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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