Your face is a jimmy john
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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