I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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