I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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