Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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