And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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