I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
