I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
