whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize