So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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