He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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