literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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