I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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