Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
