i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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