I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
