just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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