In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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