How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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