I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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