so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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