Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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