I accidentally had phone sex last night
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
