the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
