how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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