He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
