return my video game
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
