he was CRYING into my vagina
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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