I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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