I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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