you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
