She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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