Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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