You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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