She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
