haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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