So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
