Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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