My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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