I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
