you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
