Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
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