He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
3 2 1 whiskey
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
