You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
