Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
