White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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