we have pet lesbian snakes
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
