I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
