hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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