Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i've created a new STD.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
