just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
